Right now I wish I was brave. A lot more brave than I really am. Coz really I am scared, frightened, terrified of what I am about to do. But I will dare! Now I am daring. Very very sooon.
Two questions lately has had my thoughts going in a certain direction over the last few days:
First the one Shannon LeVart asked on Studio Saturday on ArtBeadScene:
"What obstacle is in YOUR way of seeing a project to completion?"
This is part of what I answered:
"Oh, I would say my own health issues is the biggest obstacle. On the other hand I wouldn't be doing jewellery on the scale I am doing now unless it was for my health issues. It is the only arena where I express myself and work creativly nowadays. Although I have to admit I am constantly hunted by everything I WANT to do, but don't get around to. I keep thinking that I could be so so productive. But I just can't ... "
I have been thinking about it ever since, and the answer I gave. I have been thinking I need some kind of outlet for my thoughts and feelings about my own illness. Maybe I shall start a blog about it. To keep as a diary mainly for myself. But free for anyone who wants to read it. I do NOT want this blog to be that arena. (Apart from today, and this particular post that is.)
Second question was from Maire Dodd:
"who do you allow in your inner sanctum? do you let in many? few? none? how does that place feel to you? do you open it and share it? do you protect it? do you hide inside of it?"
I did not answer yet. I've been thinking a lot about it. And here it is now:
You hit a very weak spot there Maire. Right on. This is what it is all about at the moment, I realize. My inner sanctum. I don't know where it is. I have lost it. And now I don't dare to search for it. I am so afraid of what I will find. I just don't want to deal with it. I just try for all I know to avoid any thoughts in that area. I don't want to think about it! I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!! I don't want to feel, think or be at all aware of anything to do with my illness. I constantly try to distract myself with anything else, so I don't have to deal with it.
And I certainly don't let anyone even close to near where there is a chance it could be. I just hate to talk about it. I don't even talk to the people closest to me. I don't want to, don't want to, don't want to!
Here it comes:
I wish I did not have MS! I wish wish wish wish wish! Coz I hate hate hate hate hate it sooooooooo!
Sh*t - do you have any idea how difficult that was?
Now it is said! I don't know if it will make any difference at all. I just feel sick at the moment from overcoming my fear of saying it. And posting this. But I do believe it sometimes is easier to let out your inner thoughts to people you are not so very close to. You Maire and Shannon asked questions which made it possible for me. Thank you so so much!
Please be gentle with me.
Malin, I admire your bravery in coming out with your intense hatred of being ill. I can say that I hate that I am a coward about mentioning illness to people. I never know what to say, suspect that I am intruding horribly if I mention it (or that I am being insensitive by putting my finger in the wound) but, and here's the thing - I want to acknowledge their reality - your reality! There is no easy answer. Right now I just want to repeat - you are courageous and so very admirable.
Be prepared, Malin. When you open yourself up to the Universe, the Universe delivers. I am sure that was very hard to release, but I hope that in doing so you feel a sense of peace, that your anxiety is lessened by the fact that we care about you. I may be very far away from you... physically, sure, but also from the state of mind that you are in... but that doesn't mean that I can't be near in spirit. Please know that you are not alone in this world. Breathe deep. Seek peace. Find your something good, because no matter how terrible the day is, there is always something to good to enjoy. Always. You are in my mind and on my heart, Malin.
Enjoy the day.
Claire and Erin!
Thank you so much for your kind and wise words.
It means a lot to me.
Dear Malin, I wish I could take it all away ... make your illness disappear. I had a friend who had lupus and she said that one of the hardest things for her was that she looked fine, so people assumed she was fine. They had no idea how much pain she was in, and how that affected her outlook ... suffering silently. I will pray that you have more days that are good than days that are bad ... and that you continue to create your beautiful things so that we all can exalt in your genius!
Malin even in your Illness what Beauty you have written! Oh and Bless you for speaking about it. My heart too is with you Miss Malin. May the good good Lord keep blessing you with your health and your lovliness...you are in my heart and prayers...oxo
Malin, I was very moved by your post. I think it is so right on to hate to be ill. I hope that in the moments and hours you are creating that you are free from thoughts of illness and are feeling the same joy we feel when we see your beautiful creations.
hang in there Malin, we LOVE you!!
Oh Malin. I wish I'd seen this sooner than today! I apologize, I'm usually so on top of blog reading but I'm woefully behind.
I know what it's like to work and live in chronic pain so I know a little bit about how you feel, but not on the same scale. I am so sorry that you have to deal with it because I'd give anything if my friends didn't have to feel a whit of pain.
Your work shows spirit and beauty, and I hope that's a great outlet for you. And you can always email me any time for a private rant or chat. There are days when I wish I had a fellow friend who lives with pain (although again, I don't WANT anyone to live in pain) to talk with -- it's hard even for my husband to "get" it.
You have magic in you because I see it in your work, so I'm praying for that magic to occupy your mind and your dreams. You are thought of often.
Hi Malin, I'm sorry this is such a late reply - we have only last night finally got internet in our new place. I know one side of your story due to Helen's MS - I know at her most vulnerable moments that same thought that you have expressed here is the one that bubbles up to the surface. And for me too. I am glad for you that you have this outlet here and your jewellery also. You are such a great presence in our little world here and your blog is one of my very favourites - such a positive space to visit! We do all love you and are here to support you on good days and bad. x x x
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