Right now I wish I was brave. A lot more brave than I really am. Coz really I am scared, frightened, terrified of what I am about to do. But I will dare! Now I am daring. Very very sooon.
Two questions lately has had my thoughts going in a certain direction over the last few days:
First the one Shannon LeVart asked on Studio Saturday on ArtBeadScene:
"What obstacle is in YOUR way of seeing a project to completion?"
This is part of what I answered:
"Oh, I would say my own health issues is the biggest obstacle. On the other hand I wouldn't be doing jewellery on the scale I am doing now unless it was for my health issues. It is the only arena where I express myself and work creativly nowadays. Although I have to admit I am constantly hunted by everything I WANT to do, but don't get around to. I keep thinking that I could be so so productive. But I just can't ... "
I have been thinking about it ever since, and the answer I gave. I have been thinking I need some kind of outlet for my thoughts and feelings about my own illness. Maybe I shall start a blog about it. To keep as a diary mainly for myself. But free for anyone who wants to read it. I do NOT want this blog to be that arena. (Apart from today, and this particular post that is.)
Second question was from Maire Dodd:
"who do you allow in your inner sanctum? do you let in many? few? none? how does that place feel to you? do you open it and share it? do you protect it? do you hide inside of it?"
I did not answer yet. I've been thinking a lot about it. And here it is now:
You hit a very weak spot there Maire. Right on. This is what it is all about at the moment, I realize. My inner sanctum. I don't know where it is. I have lost it. And now I don't dare to search for it. I am so afraid of what I will find. I just don't want to deal with it. I just try for all I know to avoid any thoughts in that area. I don't want to think about it! I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT IT!!!!!!! I don't want to feel, think or be at all aware of anything to do with my illness. I constantly try to distract myself with anything else, so I don't have to deal with it.
And I certainly don't let anyone even close to near where there is a chance it could be. I just hate to talk about it. I don't even talk to the people closest to me. I don't want to, don't want to, don't want to!
Here it comes:
I wish I did not have MS! I wish wish wish wish wish! Coz I hate hate hate hate hate it sooooooooo!
Sh*t - do you have any idea how difficult that was?
Now it is said! I don't know if it will make any difference at all. I just feel sick at the moment from overcoming my fear of saying it. And posting this. But I do believe it sometimes is easier to let out your inner thoughts to people you are not so very close to. You Maire and Shannon asked questions which made it possible for me. Thank you so so much!
Please be gentle with me.